Member Area
You are here:
Stop Playing the Blame Game PDF Print E-mail
Wednesday, 27 January 2010 02:39
 Guest Commentary by Dr. Boyce Watkins

 

I recently watched an ABC News special about Black women not getting married. It featured a number of beautiful, intelligent Black women who couldn‘t find husbands. The show, which quoted Steve Harvey, who wrote a book on relationships last year, allowed the guest to drone on about how sad it is that the Black men that Black women want are just too blind and pathetic to see how great these women really are.

I can’t help but find it odd that Black women in America are taking relationship advice from a comedian. Not to hate on Steve, but you’ve got to wonder if there is a qualified relationship counselor available somewhere who actually studied this stuff in school. Perhaps it’s because Black America is getting relationship advice from a comedian that our family structures have become a great big national joke.

We all know the story: over 70 percent of all African-American women don’t have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. The joint social trauma inflicted by a poor educational system, mass incarceration and massive unemployment among Black men has come together to create an unsustainable set of social outcomes.

That’s not to mention the Black men who’ve either chosen to date other men or can’t see the beauty of Black women when they know that Elin Nordegren might be available. Yes, Houston, we have a problem.

Still, I often wonder if there is more to the Black relationship story than that. Here are a couple of thoughts to consider: First, I have to ask, are men the only ones to blame here?



When I watched the beautiful women on the ABC special who felt that they could never find a husband, I heard some of my educated, fully employed male friends say, “I’d marry any one of them right now!” Over the years, I’ve seen many women pass over good men who would make excellent husband/boyfriend/baby daddy material.

Secondly, doesn’t it take two to tango? The last I checked, there were usually two people in a relationship. So, although Attorney General Eric Holder has joined the chorus of politicians gaining political points for blaming Black men for being the sole cause of the breakdown of the African-American family, I often wonder why African-American women are rarely held to account.”

Some of us spend our lives either barking up the wrong trees or barking in a way that sabotages our objectives. To obtain a good mate, you must learn how to be a good mate and how to choose a good mate. So, after you finish reading Steve Harvey’s book, you may want to read, “Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know,” by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis.

The idea is that in order to get what you want, you must learn how to give what others want. But you can’t give to others if you’re only thinking about yourself. Perhaps we should work together to solve the problems.

Anyone who simply sits around complaining about how irritating other people are without doing any serious introspection is doomed for a life of frustration. Additionally, given that there are serious obstacles being faced by Black men, perhaps we should all work together to support causes that serve to liberate African-American men from the shackles of oppression.


President Obama should hear consistent chants from the Black community about the fact that Black male unemployment is as high as 50 percent in some urban areas, keeping these men from being able to provide for a family. Anyone who loves any Black man anywhere should tell Holder that we must stop supporting the prison industrial complex and simultaneously create paths for ex-convicts to re-enter into society.

If you have a Black son, brother, father, or husband, you should want to fight against the fact that Black boys are nearly five times more likely to be placed in special education than White kids, severely impacting their graduation rates. An uneducated, unemployed man in the criminal justice system is not going to make a good husband; not every Black man in these circumstances is consciously choosing to end up this way.

Whether we like it or not, we are in this boat together, and most of us are guilty of the blame game on some level. Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming each other and find the real cause of these very real problems. To slightly modify the words of Steve Harvey, “Act like a lady, but fight for your man.” The Black family needs support from us all.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Finance Professor at Syracuse University and editor of Your Black World Today.

Courtesy: www.aframnews.com

  

 
 

To book W. Eric Croomes as a speaker/facilitator for your next conference call 214.493.2875 or email: heyeric@thevillagereport.net

Health and Wellness

Health and Wellness 

Healing Without Hate: How To Forgive To Live
Healing Without Hate: How to Forgive to Live,” is a ten step process that will help you become free to let go of the past and live the life that is intended for you. It has always been my belief that everyone was placed on this earth for a purpose. It is important for one to find out what their meaning in life is, so they can develop their message and then ultimately carry out their mission (purpose). How can you grow as a person or a business if you don’t know what your purpose is?

Step 1: Prayer. I pray for those who have hurt or abused me. I have also learned it is very difficult to hate someone that you are praying for.

Step 2: Counsel. I reached out and received help when I realized I needed it. Step 3: Confront. At the proper time, I went to both of my parents individually and confronted them and how they had effected my life. We must learn to confront the people in our lives that have hurt us. Step 4: Release. Once I confronted my past and my pain, I then had to learn to let it go.

Step 5: Forgive. Forgiving is a big step in the healing process. We must also face whether we have “pardoned” someone with complete forgiveness or “paroled” them, where the forgiveness has conditions.

Step 6: Attitude. You must have an attitude of gratitude for the good things in your life while you are going through the healing process. Do not concentrate on just the negative. It’s very difficult to be depressed when you are counting your blessings. Step 7: Joy. It is a decision to have joy on the inside while you experience happiness on the outside (circumstances around you).

Step 8: Goals. You must write down what you want to accomplish. If you don’t it will just be a dream. No one plans to fail, they just fail to plan.

Step 9: Give. No matter where you are in life, there’s always someone that could use your help. Reach out and help someone with your time and or resources. Step 10: Live Life Now. Don’t wait until tomorrow because tomorrow is not promised to you.
  

Source: www.blackwomenshealth.com


 
W. Eric Croomes is now a Certified Personal Trainer with the National Federation of Personal Trainers!
Stay tuned for more information on Infinite Fitness by Eric
Lose fat. Gain muscle. Live fit.

 

 

The Tope Five:

The Top Five Questions to Ask Before You Get Married
1. Do you want children?
2. What is your relationship with money?
3. What is your sexual preference?
4. Who's cleaning what?
5. Do you value fidelity?

What's On My Mind

What's On My Mind
A W. Eric Croomes Special Commentary: So Exactly Who's Responsible?

     Several years ago noted NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley made headlines when he insisted he was not and neither should he be considered a role model for black youth. This despite the fact that millions of youth virtually worshipped at his very feet, indeed his very shot.  Barkley’s words unleashed a torrent of criticism but were indirectly followed by others of the black elite who echoed his opinion. But consider the following:

 • 58% of all Black 4th graders in the nation are functionally illiterate & 85% are reading below grade level.

• A Black boy born in 2001 has a 33% chance of going to prison in his lifetime.

• A million Black males are in prison.

• 2.4 million Black children have an incarcerated parent.

• Murder is the #1 cause of death among our young men. (Source: OneMillionMentors.Com) 

So who exactly is responsible? 

     The rapper may rap that he or she’s just rapping reality; the politician will likely say it’s a result of the policies of the party in power; the preacher may likely tell you it’s because we aren’t praying enough.  And the school teacher may proclaim ‘I’m just working with what comes to my classroom!’ The problem is no one, at least not enough, is willing to say ‘I am responsible!’

     It’s easy to point our collective fingers at the one source we’d love to blame: parents.  But in doing so we miss the point of how the black family has been so ravaged by the American experience as to produce the sad and sullen reality of 70% of our households being headed by single women.

     I am not so naïve as to think that parents, or guardians or whoever is raising our young does not in some way find themselves blameless for the mess that we are in. I’m only suggesting that blaming parents or guardians may be, in some misguided way, our own pathetic attempt to escape culpability. 

     So who is responsible?  Once upon a time, when we colored, all of us were responsible. Or, put in the immortal words of our ancestors, I am because we are, we are because I am.